Another day with cancer growing in my body

I don't want this. I woke up feeling pretty good but it didn't take long for my body to remind me that cancer is growing in it. I can't really complain about the whole day though. Some pain, a little tired but overall a pretty good day. Not much of an appetite lately. Jay asked where I wanted to eat tonight but I told him good food would be a waste on me right now. Justin came over to watch the game and that made me feel better. I love it when my kids are around me. We just don't spend enough time together and life reminds me daily how precious time is. I wish we could have a big family reunion. My fear is not having the time to see all of my family and tell each one of them face to face just how much I love them and how very much they mean to me. Phone calls, email, facebook.....all that is a good way to communicate but nothing beats actually being together. Maybe next Spring.

Cancer - What an ugly word!!

This month has been full of anxiety. I went to my primary Dr. because I was having some pain that wouldn't go away. She noticed swollen lymph nodes in my neck and sent me to another Dr. The other Dr. ordered a CT Scan and a biopsy which reported that I have Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Well, that was a shock. Cancer??  In MY body?  Thank you just the same but I don't want it. GET IT OUT!  Next he orders a PET Scan which shows the swollen lymph nodes throughout my body but no tumors. That's good, isn't it? Next he surgically took a lymph node from my neck to biopsy and also did a Endoscopy.  I've had some small surgical procedures but I've never been put to sleep so I guess I was a little nervous about that part. I wasn't nervous until Jay asked if I had told my family. Ok. I guess that's so there will be no surprises if I don't wake up. Ummmm, Hello!!  Be Surprised!!!!! Because I'm here to tell you that I'm always planning on waking up! So I made it out of surgery and the test is back and my cancer diagnosis is confirmed. However, we still don't know where it's located so now we go on a search to find where it's hiding. I kinda think this pain in my tummy is a good indication that it's probably in that area. I'll see an Oncologist next week and hopefully they will get on the trail and run this stuff out of my body. This is not the journey that I've dreamed of. I'd much rather take a European cruise or spend a year touring Italy, Greece, Switzerland. But instead I get to fight cancer. I just pray that God will give me the strength to fight and allow me to win. And in the mean time I'm wondering if there are any things that I should do. Like call someone that I made mad at me and apologize. Or go through my closets and donate stuff or give some stuff to people who could use it. Clean up my house so no one can see what a terrible housekeeper I am. You know....put all your things in order just in case.....Well, I don't think I'll do any of those things today. I just want to use this space to tell all of my family and friends in case you don't already know that I love you. And if  my journey in this life ends before I want it to.....then start reading your Bibles and get to know God and follow His lead because I'd love to see you in Heaven one day. And when you think of me just picture me sitting peacefully at Jesus' feet, smiling, happy beyond any happy feeling you've ever had before.  So until next time....warm hugs and happy thoughts and God bless us all!!

Just a few thoughts coming out of my head.....

When I began this blog my intention was to use it mainly to post pictures and maybe just a few thoughts here and there. Well, today I'm using it for thoughts because I have a lot going through my head and this seems like a good place to get it out. Life is about to take me on a new journey; one that I might not like and that I certainly don't feel prepared to take just yet. But life doesn't always give us everything we want, exactly the way we want it. The problem with me is that I like to be in total control and now I've been given something that I wont have total control of and it not only frustrates me but it scares me a little too. Ok, it scares me a lot. Almost two years ago I experienced the death of someone very close to me and I realized then that life is short, we don't get an unlimited amount of time here on this earth and if we waste it then what was the use in being here in the first place. I believe in God and I believe in His Son, Jesus. I believe that God sent Jesus to us because we were on the path to hell and He loved us too much to just let us go. He knew we needed someone, a physical person that we could see and hear, someone who could lead us back to Him. So He sent us Jesus. Jesus spent His life teaching us and trying His best to make us believe. He was mocked, cursed, laughed at, spat at, thrown in jail. He even hung nailed to a cross and died in His efforts to show us that He is God's Son and that if would just listen to Him we could live forever in peace and beauty beyond our imaginations. He even arose from His tomb to prove His divinity. But we are hard headed idiots and even a person come back to life was not enough proof for us. We just go one about our lives doing what we want and not giving the One who created us a second thought, much less the love and respect that He deserves. We don't deserve Him and all that He has to offer us. But He loves us. He created us and we belong to Him. He'll let us go on and destroy ourselves if we insist but He really wants us to just love Him back and want what He is offering to us. Is that such a bad thing? Are we so self centered that we can't give up our lifestyles of sin and follow Him to everlasting paradise? No? Is His kind of paradise not "fun"enough for us? If we have to live by His rules we don't want it? I don't know why He puts up with us in the first place. Why doesn't He just wipe us out and start over? That's what we deserve. Because He loves us. It's just that simple. And after my sister died I finally began to see that. Her death didn't scare me. It just opened my eyes and it opened my heart just enough to let God squeeze in. And when He started letting me know that He was there I could no longer turn my back from Him. He has been putting Himself in front of me ever since and I just want to know more and more about Him. I want that relationship with Him that I've heard others talk about. It has been a process for me and I'm still learning and still getting to know Him but He is in my life now and He always will be. I may not have as much time on this earth as I'd like to have but I promise you, the rest of it will be spent learning and getting to know my God and giving Him the praise and respect that He deserves and in the mean time, I hope that I can make someone else see Him in me. That's my goal. Do you want to know God?  Just ask me and I'll tell you what I know. And what I don't know, I'll find out for you because I don't want to hog Him all up for myself. I want everyone else to have Him too. When I get to Heaven I want to see you there too.