Baking Christmas Treats

Up early this morning baking diabetic Christmas treats for my sweet neighbors and dog groomers.

Had chemo yesterday and so far feeling ok. I'm expecting to poop out by noon though if the pattern runs they way it usually does. But I'm taking Jay to lunch for his birthday so I hope to get lucky and hold out a little longer. I'll be a couch potato tonight though.

Hope everyone is getting ready for some good family time. I am. The kids are coming Christmas Eve to spend the night and the little ones will be here to open their santa gifts. I'm so excited about that. This will be the first Christmas Eve I've had with them since MacKenzie was born because they like to have Santa at home and then come here Christmas day. So this will be a special treat and I'm so looking forward to it.

Happy Day to all of you! Go out and love someone today!

Lord God, I desire that these things be remembered before you: by my work produced by faith, my labor prompted by love, and my endurance inspired by hope in my Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thess. 1:3)

Stop the Whining

I've been doing a lot of whining lately. I like to blame it on the chemo but I'm sure satan has been at work too. I want so much to use this cancer as a testimony of my unbending faith in God. However, my faith does bend from time to time so I pray that God will understand that I am a weak human being and forgive me for lacking the faith that he requires of me and help me to have more faith. My prayer today is this: O, Lord, I want others to be able to boast to You about my perseverence and faith in any persecutions and trials I endure. (2 Thess. 1:4) Help me to remember that others observe the way I handle trials. I want to have a faithful witness, Lord. (From Praying God's Word by Beth Moore).

Up Early Again

I've been hesitant to post anything this week because I've been sick and just hate sounding so pathetic all the time. Like all our Mamas used to say...nothing good to say just keep it to yourself. But I have to whine a little so I got up around 4:30 and sat in the bathroom with the steam running to open up my head. At least I can breathe better now. Drinking a cup of hot tea with honey now. Not my favorite cold remedy but it's all I'm allowed. A shot of whiskey in it would surely help me get back to sleep. Poor Jay is bound to catch it next. This stuff is ugly and wont be ignored by anyone who passes by it. Even Rosie looks like she has a cold.

Speaking of my little loyal and constant companion...I thought I would post a Christmas picture of her. She doesn't like having her picture taken any more than MacKenzie does but at least she sits still and doesn't say "No Pictures Nana." I can usually bribe her with a treat. Not so much with MacKenzie. She wants the treat first then she runs with it. And still....no pictures :-)

A Blessed Day

This has been a really good day. Except for the part where I threw up all my meds first thing. We went to Jemison to visit Mandy's church and see their Christmas program. Blake played his trumpet and the youth group did a skit on the book of Ruth. It was very interesting and they did an outstanding job. MacKenzie's little group also sang for us. We all went to Cracker Barrel for lunch after church and had a nice lunch together. Then later, Mandy, Joseph and the kids came to Trussville to visit our church and see our Christmas spectacular. It was truely awesome. A great day and actually, a pretty good weekend altogether. Tomorrow we start all over with a new round of chemo. I'm really praying for a better time dealing with the nausea and pain this time.

Have a good night!!

The Decision Has Been Made

Saw the Dr. this morning. She thinks that my lymph nodes have shrunk a little but due to some pain, she believes the tumors have not been reduced enough. My kidney function is lacking somewhat too. She explained how she would like to do the chemo next. Bad dose this coming Monday, easier doses for the following 2 weeks. Week 4 start over. This is supposed to be easier for my body to take. God please let it be easier. So Jay asked her point blank. Is this method palliative or curative? Palliative. There is no cure. So he asked her what my prognosis is with and without the chemo. 6-8 months without, 2-5 years with. That was not a hard decision for me to make. I choose years over months. So we continue chemo next Monday.

I believe God was right there telling me to go ahead and accept the treatment. If He wanted me to die right now I think He would have taken me already. I just pray that before the chemo starts He will just let me know that He is going to take care of me so that I don't start feeling deserted and faithless again. This time I want to just know that He is here and not doubt Him. I believe He will get me through this, in His way, in His time. And as the song goes, I will praise Him in this storm.

Your prayers are still welcomed and appreciated. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes.
God Bless you all!

Hello Light

Today is the first day I've felt even a little better. I can't explain in words how horrible the side effects of chemotherapy have been on me. But I can say that it has been so bad that I don't know if I can do another treatment. I know what the alternative is and I don't want that either but if this is what it takes to live I'm just not sure it's worth it. My family thinks it is but they have no idea what this feels like so I can't expect them to understand. I pray everyday for God to get me through this and I pray that He will get them through it too.

I was actually able to eat without throwing up today. I am literally starving to death and I could eat an entire restaurant. This morning I got up and drove myself to Jim n Nicks for some Brunswick Stew and sweet tea. For the first time in 3 weeks I was able to taste it and it was so good. Amazing what a little protein will do for a body. I want MORE. Think I'll call Jay and have him pick me up something on his way home from work. He'll be glad that he doesn't have to prepare something just to see me push it away. Poor guy. I know this has been hard for him because I'm a major league whiner. I can't help it. If I have to suffer I guess I want everyone around me to know it. Not really. It's just the immature child in me, I guess.

I've finally gotten around to reading emails that have been coming for the past 3 weeks. Also the Caring Bridge Journal that Mandy created for me. Everyone has so many kind words and prayers for me. I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me and how much your prayers mean. Just knowing that people are coming together and going before God on my behalf is the most awesome feeling. God said that if people come together in the name of His Son, whatever they ask will be given. That doesn't mean that if you ask Him to heal me that I'm going to be healed. But I know that it means that He will get me through whatever I have to get through. There have been times during these past 3 weeks that I have begged and pleaded, demanded and blamed God for what I'm going through. I've accused Him of abandoning me and letting me suffer alone. But I know, just like the story of the Footprints in the Sand, that when I have not been able to feel Him beside me, He has been carrying me. If not, I'd surely have died by now. If not from the powerful chemo drugs then by starvation. I'm surprised to still be here and feeling well enough to get on this computer. And I know I didn't get this far alone.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me, sent cards, brought food, sent email prayers and poems. And just for thinking about me. It doesn't matter if you call or write or whatever. I just feel so blessed to have people care enough to take moments out of their days to just think about me. I love all of my friends and family and could not get through this without you all and God and His Son.

I love you all!!