Hello Light

Today is the first day I've felt even a little better. I can't explain in words how horrible the side effects of chemotherapy have been on me. But I can say that it has been so bad that I don't know if I can do another treatment. I know what the alternative is and I don't want that either but if this is what it takes to live I'm just not sure it's worth it. My family thinks it is but they have no idea what this feels like so I can't expect them to understand. I pray everyday for God to get me through this and I pray that He will get them through it too.

I was actually able to eat without throwing up today. I am literally starving to death and I could eat an entire restaurant. This morning I got up and drove myself to Jim n Nicks for some Brunswick Stew and sweet tea. For the first time in 3 weeks I was able to taste it and it was so good. Amazing what a little protein will do for a body. I want MORE. Think I'll call Jay and have him pick me up something on his way home from work. He'll be glad that he doesn't have to prepare something just to see me push it away. Poor guy. I know this has been hard for him because I'm a major league whiner. I can't help it. If I have to suffer I guess I want everyone around me to know it. Not really. It's just the immature child in me, I guess.

I've finally gotten around to reading emails that have been coming for the past 3 weeks. Also the Caring Bridge Journal that Mandy created for me. Everyone has so many kind words and prayers for me. I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me and how much your prayers mean. Just knowing that people are coming together and going before God on my behalf is the most awesome feeling. God said that if people come together in the name of His Son, whatever they ask will be given. That doesn't mean that if you ask Him to heal me that I'm going to be healed. But I know that it means that He will get me through whatever I have to get through. There have been times during these past 3 weeks that I have begged and pleaded, demanded and blamed God for what I'm going through. I've accused Him of abandoning me and letting me suffer alone. But I know, just like the story of the Footprints in the Sand, that when I have not been able to feel Him beside me, He has been carrying me. If not, I'd surely have died by now. If not from the powerful chemo drugs then by starvation. I'm surprised to still be here and feeling well enough to get on this computer. And I know I didn't get this far alone.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me, sent cards, brought food, sent email prayers and poems. And just for thinking about me. It doesn't matter if you call or write or whatever. I just feel so blessed to have people care enough to take moments out of their days to just think about me. I love all of my friends and family and could not get through this without you all and God and His Son.

I love you all!!