Up Early Again

I've been hesitant to post anything this week because I've been sick and just hate sounding so pathetic all the time. Like all our Mamas used to say...nothing good to say just keep it to yourself. But I have to whine a little so I got up around 4:30 and sat in the bathroom with the steam running to open up my head. At least I can breathe better now. Drinking a cup of hot tea with honey now. Not my favorite cold remedy but it's all I'm allowed. A shot of whiskey in it would surely help me get back to sleep. Poor Jay is bound to catch it next. This stuff is ugly and wont be ignored by anyone who passes by it. Even Rosie looks like she has a cold.

Speaking of my little loyal and constant companion...I thought I would post a Christmas picture of her. She doesn't like having her picture taken any more than MacKenzie does but at least she sits still and doesn't say "No Pictures Nana." I can usually bribe her with a treat. Not so much with MacKenzie. She wants the treat first then she runs with it. And still....no pictures :-)

A Blessed Day

This has been a really good day. Except for the part where I threw up all my meds first thing. We went to Jemison to visit Mandy's church and see their Christmas program. Blake played his trumpet and the youth group did a skit on the book of Ruth. It was very interesting and they did an outstanding job. MacKenzie's little group also sang for us. We all went to Cracker Barrel for lunch after church and had a nice lunch together. Then later, Mandy, Joseph and the kids came to Trussville to visit our church and see our Christmas spectacular. It was truely awesome. A great day and actually, a pretty good weekend altogether. Tomorrow we start all over with a new round of chemo. I'm really praying for a better time dealing with the nausea and pain this time.

Have a good night!!

The Decision Has Been Made

Saw the Dr. this morning. She thinks that my lymph nodes have shrunk a little but due to some pain, she believes the tumors have not been reduced enough. My kidney function is lacking somewhat too. She explained how she would like to do the chemo next. Bad dose this coming Monday, easier doses for the following 2 weeks. Week 4 start over. This is supposed to be easier for my body to take. God please let it be easier. So Jay asked her point blank. Is this method palliative or curative? Palliative. There is no cure. So he asked her what my prognosis is with and without the chemo. 6-8 months without, 2-5 years with. That was not a hard decision for me to make. I choose years over months. So we continue chemo next Monday.

I believe God was right there telling me to go ahead and accept the treatment. If He wanted me to die right now I think He would have taken me already. I just pray that before the chemo starts He will just let me know that He is going to take care of me so that I don't start feeling deserted and faithless again. This time I want to just know that He is here and not doubt Him. I believe He will get me through this, in His way, in His time. And as the song goes, I will praise Him in this storm.

Your prayers are still welcomed and appreciated. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes.
God Bless you all!

Hello Light

Today is the first day I've felt even a little better. I can't explain in words how horrible the side effects of chemotherapy have been on me. But I can say that it has been so bad that I don't know if I can do another treatment. I know what the alternative is and I don't want that either but if this is what it takes to live I'm just not sure it's worth it. My family thinks it is but they have no idea what this feels like so I can't expect them to understand. I pray everyday for God to get me through this and I pray that He will get them through it too.

I was actually able to eat without throwing up today. I am literally starving to death and I could eat an entire restaurant. This morning I got up and drove myself to Jim n Nicks for some Brunswick Stew and sweet tea. For the first time in 3 weeks I was able to taste it and it was so good. Amazing what a little protein will do for a body. I want MORE. Think I'll call Jay and have him pick me up something on his way home from work. He'll be glad that he doesn't have to prepare something just to see me push it away. Poor guy. I know this has been hard for him because I'm a major league whiner. I can't help it. If I have to suffer I guess I want everyone around me to know it. Not really. It's just the immature child in me, I guess.

I've finally gotten around to reading emails that have been coming for the past 3 weeks. Also the Caring Bridge Journal that Mandy created for me. Everyone has so many kind words and prayers for me. I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me and how much your prayers mean. Just knowing that people are coming together and going before God on my behalf is the most awesome feeling. God said that if people come together in the name of His Son, whatever they ask will be given. That doesn't mean that if you ask Him to heal me that I'm going to be healed. But I know that it means that He will get me through whatever I have to get through. There have been times during these past 3 weeks that I have begged and pleaded, demanded and blamed God for what I'm going through. I've accused Him of abandoning me and letting me suffer alone. But I know, just like the story of the Footprints in the Sand, that when I have not been able to feel Him beside me, He has been carrying me. If not, I'd surely have died by now. If not from the powerful chemo drugs then by starvation. I'm surprised to still be here and feeling well enough to get on this computer. And I know I didn't get this far alone.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me, sent cards, brought food, sent email prayers and poems. And just for thinking about me. It doesn't matter if you call or write or whatever. I just feel so blessed to have people care enough to take moments out of their days to just think about me. I love all of my friends and family and could not get through this without you all and God and His Son.

I love you all!!

Still not feeling all that great

But better than yesterday. I had to go back for 2 bags of fluids yesterday plus nausea and stomach meds. Blood pressure was pretty low and I was extremely weak. Justin took the day off to take me to the clinic and then stayed with me until late last night. Mandy came over after work and stayed for awhile too. I'm so lucky and so grateful to have kids who love me and want to help me. Jay has been a blessing too. Being a Nurse, I know he wants to help me but all he can do is just be here for me. And right now, I'll take that. Dale came up and spent part of the week with me. I was so glad to have him here. He's coming back for my next treatment and I can't wait for him to get here again. I'm praying for Becky. She has to see an Oncologist next week because her white count is dangerously low. God please don't let her be sick. She is the rock of her family and has stood by so many of us in our times of need. She works so hard to help others and I think she neglects to think of herself and take care of herself. Please just let this be a message for her to slow down and take care of herself and don't let anything serious be wrong. We love her and her family needs her so much. We all need you God. If we failed to realize that before, we sure know it now. Thank you God for all of the blessings you have given to us. Never let us forget how mighty, how loving, how powerful and how great you are. In Jesus' name. Amen

Feelin' Yucky

Had to get some fluids yesterday and I haven't felt good since. Really bad pain last night. A little better this morning but I just don't feel good. I guess that's normal a few days after chemo though. Maybe better days are coming soon. Just praying for healing.

I've enjoyed having Dale here with me. He's going home today. Rosie is going to miss DJ. With him around little miss picky is eating everything. She's afraid he'll get it all if she doesn't eat it. They're cute together. Be glad when they come back.

Chemo Treatment #1

I had the first treatment Monday. I was sick all day yesterday but feel a little better so far this morning. No nausea yet and that is a HUGE improvement from yesterday. I was actually able to eat half of a egg biscuit. The pain meds are working some but I still have pain in my lower back and hips. Today will be the last day on the steroids until the next chemo treatment. I'm glad because they make me so shaky. Hair has not started falling out yet but I was told that it will start by next week. I'm prepared with hats and a wig but I know it will freak me out to see my hair coming out. I'm not looking forward to it but if this chemo kills the cancer I'll go through anything I have to. I have God on my side so I'm just depending on Him. He's my healer and my hope and all my faith is in Him. And I have my family and friends. God has blessed me in so many ways, cancer or not. And He reminds me daily of all that He does for  me so that I remember to always come to Him, in this sickness and in my happiness. His ways are mysterious to us but He knows what He's doing. I just have to watch and listen for His messages. Thank you God for bringing me closer to you.

Good Morning Sunday

Up early again. Can't sleep much these days. Had the Power Port put in Friday. That went ok. But I did not know I was going to be awake for the procedure until just before I went into the OR. They gave me some happy drugs though so it wasn't so bad. I even overlooked all the jive talk going on in the room. Normally I would have told them to shut up and be serious or get out.

Yesterday morning I got up and took Rosie out for her morning pee and noticed how much the leaves had fallen all over the yard. It's going to rain tomorrow and Rosie hates wading through wet leaves so I decided to blow leaves.... at 8AM, in my pajamas. When you're on pain meds you do weird stuff. Later, Jay and I went up to the new outlet shops in Leeds. I needed to walk around and get some exercise but I think I got a little too much. My back hurt all night. But it was a gorgeous day yesterday. Too nice to be stuck inside all day.

I love this Bible verse:  John 8:31
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  I want to be a disciple and tell people about Jesus too. He has done awesome things for us. Wow....He even died so we would have a chance to live. Do you know anyone else who would do that for you?

Time to get ready for church so toodleooooo. Have a great Sunday!

My Family

God is Working

Psalm 40: 1-3  
I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to God.

I received a call yesterday from my Dr. Since no tumors have been found and I am HPV positive, she is going to start me on a dual chemo therapy next week. She said cancers from HPV have responded well to this treatment and she has reason to give me some hope.I have been in this pit of gloom and doom since she told about this cancer but now I feel like I can crawl out and see some light. And I credit God for having the upper hand in all of it. He has the final say and He has just told me that this is not final. Not right now anyway. I don't know what will happen a month from now. They might tell me the chemo is not working. If they do, I trust God to have another plan. I'm trying to learn to listen for God to speak. I know He hears me when I pray but I have to learn to hear Him because He will guide me through this if I listen to Him. He takes me to a passage in the Bible every time I open it. I always read something that lifts me up and tells me to just have faith in Him. Being able to have faith is hard to do for some of us. Maybe that's why I have cancer. Maybe God is teaching me to have faith. I've been praying and praying for a long time for Him to help me have faith. Maybe this is the way He wants me to learn. Even if the cancer gets worse and they tell me there's no hope, maybe God is teaching me to still have faith. Faith to walk me all the way through it, all the way to Heaven.

There's something else I've learned during all of this pain and suffering. Compassion and Love. So many people have shown me compassion and love. People that I don't even know have been praying for me. People that I have never even met have offered to help. Someone has even said that if I need to go to Texas for treatment they will pay for my air fare to get there. Would I have done that for someone? Someone that I don't even know? My first thought would have been about what I could do for myself with that money before I gave it to someone else. It's always been about me. What's in it for me, what can I do for me, I want it, I worked for it so I deserve it, me me me. No compassion for the homeless people down the street. They are ruining our property values. No compassion for the Habitat house down the street. Get that sign out of the yard, we don't want that in our neighborhood. Did I once walk down there and offer to help get that house ready for a family to move into it?  Did I once offer to volunteer my time to help at the homeless shelter? No I did not. Last Sunday I joined our church. I don't intend to just go there every Sunday and sit in the pew and listen to the preacher. I want to get involved. I want to be an ACTIVE member and the first thing I want to do is get with the local missionaries and start helping people. I joined that church so that I could serve God through it and that is my NUMBER ONE goal for the rest of my life. I still have to fight this cancer but when I am physically able to do something I will be doing it. It's not about me anymore. It's about what I can do to help someone else in any area that God leads me to. I will be listening for His directions from now on. And like the song says "Where He leads me I will follow."  Thank you God!