Chemo Treatment #1

I had the first treatment Monday. I was sick all day yesterday but feel a little better so far this morning. No nausea yet and that is a HUGE improvement from yesterday. I was actually able to eat half of a egg biscuit. The pain meds are working some but I still have pain in my lower back and hips. Today will be the last day on the steroids until the next chemo treatment. I'm glad because they make me so shaky. Hair has not started falling out yet but I was told that it will start by next week. I'm prepared with hats and a wig but I know it will freak me out to see my hair coming out. I'm not looking forward to it but if this chemo kills the cancer I'll go through anything I have to. I have God on my side so I'm just depending on Him. He's my healer and my hope and all my faith is in Him. And I have my family and friends. God has blessed me in so many ways, cancer or not. And He reminds me daily of all that He does for  me so that I remember to always come to Him, in this sickness and in my happiness. His ways are mysterious to us but He knows what He's doing. I just have to watch and listen for His messages. Thank you God for bringing me closer to you.

Good Morning Sunday

Up early again. Can't sleep much these days. Had the Power Port put in Friday. That went ok. But I did not know I was going to be awake for the procedure until just before I went into the OR. They gave me some happy drugs though so it wasn't so bad. I even overlooked all the jive talk going on in the room. Normally I would have told them to shut up and be serious or get out.

Yesterday morning I got up and took Rosie out for her morning pee and noticed how much the leaves had fallen all over the yard. It's going to rain tomorrow and Rosie hates wading through wet leaves so I decided to blow leaves.... at 8AM, in my pajamas. When you're on pain meds you do weird stuff. Later, Jay and I went up to the new outlet shops in Leeds. I needed to walk around and get some exercise but I think I got a little too much. My back hurt all night. But it was a gorgeous day yesterday. Too nice to be stuck inside all day.

I love this Bible verse:  John 8:31
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  I want to be a disciple and tell people about Jesus too. He has done awesome things for us. Wow....He even died so we would have a chance to live. Do you know anyone else who would do that for you?

Time to get ready for church so toodleooooo. Have a great Sunday!

My Family

God is Working

Psalm 40: 1-3  
I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to God.

I received a call yesterday from my Dr. Since no tumors have been found and I am HPV positive, she is going to start me on a dual chemo therapy next week. She said cancers from HPV have responded well to this treatment and she has reason to give me some hope.I have been in this pit of gloom and doom since she told about this cancer but now I feel like I can crawl out and see some light. And I credit God for having the upper hand in all of it. He has the final say and He has just told me that this is not final. Not right now anyway. I don't know what will happen a month from now. They might tell me the chemo is not working. If they do, I trust God to have another plan. I'm trying to learn to listen for God to speak. I know He hears me when I pray but I have to learn to hear Him because He will guide me through this if I listen to Him. He takes me to a passage in the Bible every time I open it. I always read something that lifts me up and tells me to just have faith in Him. Being able to have faith is hard to do for some of us. Maybe that's why I have cancer. Maybe God is teaching me to have faith. I've been praying and praying for a long time for Him to help me have faith. Maybe this is the way He wants me to learn. Even if the cancer gets worse and they tell me there's no hope, maybe God is teaching me to still have faith. Faith to walk me all the way through it, all the way to Heaven.

There's something else I've learned during all of this pain and suffering. Compassion and Love. So many people have shown me compassion and love. People that I don't even know have been praying for me. People that I have never even met have offered to help. Someone has even said that if I need to go to Texas for treatment they will pay for my air fare to get there. Would I have done that for someone? Someone that I don't even know? My first thought would have been about what I could do for myself with that money before I gave it to someone else. It's always been about me. What's in it for me, what can I do for me, I want it, I worked for it so I deserve it, me me me. No compassion for the homeless people down the street. They are ruining our property values. No compassion for the Habitat house down the street. Get that sign out of the yard, we don't want that in our neighborhood. Did I once walk down there and offer to help get that house ready for a family to move into it?  Did I once offer to volunteer my time to help at the homeless shelter? No I did not. Last Sunday I joined our church. I don't intend to just go there every Sunday and sit in the pew and listen to the preacher. I want to get involved. I want to be an ACTIVE member and the first thing I want to do is get with the local missionaries and start helping people. I joined that church so that I could serve God through it and that is my NUMBER ONE goal for the rest of my life. I still have to fight this cancer but when I am physically able to do something I will be doing it. It's not about me anymore. It's about what I can do to help someone else in any area that God leads me to. I will be listening for His directions from now on. And like the song says "Where He leads me I will follow."  Thank you God!

Dr. #9

Today I'll see the 9th Dr in 2 months and I'm still in terrible pain. They've already told me that this is not curable so how many more tests do they have to do until they help me with this pain?

Psalm 43:5

I opened my Bible to this verse this morning. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”

Doom and Gloom Please Go Away

Since my last post I have had a few more Dr. visits. The last one was with the Hem/Onc Dr. That was truely the worst Dr. visit I have ever had. She just point blank told me that I my cancer cannot be cured and that I may only have 2-3 years to live. I was alone when she told me all this and fear hit me immediately and has not gone away yet. I have prayed and prayed for peace with this. If it is God's will for me to die I will accept it if I can just feel some peace. I can't stand this feeling of doom. I know we all have to die one day but I'm not so sure I wanted to know that it was coming sooner than I had always thought. And most of all I can't stand what it's doing to my family. They don't deserve to have to go through this. I pray for peace for them too.

On a better note, I met a great group of women at Church yesterday. I had been wanting to join a small group at
Church and this one is wonderful. I really look forward to many more Sundays of fellowship with them. Tonight I met up with another great group of ladies, my good buddies Aretha, Sylvia and Linda. I love my friends and they always make me feel better. Tonight they reminded me to not let satan have fun watching me cry and fear. Depend on God no matter what. I pray that God will give me the strength to keep coming to Him and not let satan keep bringing me down.

I had a good day with Mandy and Justin yesterday too. We went to Botanical Gardens and took pictures. I'll post some when I feel better. It was good to just spend some time with them. We don't do that nearly enough.

I'm tired now and have to go to bed. Praying for tomorrow to be better. And thanking God for another day of life.

Another day with cancer growing in my body

I don't want this. I woke up feeling pretty good but it didn't take long for my body to remind me that cancer is growing in it. I can't really complain about the whole day though. Some pain, a little tired but overall a pretty good day. Not much of an appetite lately. Jay asked where I wanted to eat tonight but I told him good food would be a waste on me right now. Justin came over to watch the game and that made me feel better. I love it when my kids are around me. We just don't spend enough time together and life reminds me daily how precious time is. I wish we could have a big family reunion. My fear is not having the time to see all of my family and tell each one of them face to face just how much I love them and how very much they mean to me. Phone calls, email, facebook.....all that is a good way to communicate but nothing beats actually being together. Maybe next Spring.

Cancer - What an ugly word!!

This month has been full of anxiety. I went to my primary Dr. because I was having some pain that wouldn't go away. She noticed swollen lymph nodes in my neck and sent me to another Dr. The other Dr. ordered a CT Scan and a biopsy which reported that I have Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Well, that was a shock. Cancer??  In MY body?  Thank you just the same but I don't want it. GET IT OUT!  Next he orders a PET Scan which shows the swollen lymph nodes throughout my body but no tumors. That's good, isn't it? Next he surgically took a lymph node from my neck to biopsy and also did a Endoscopy.  I've had some small surgical procedures but I've never been put to sleep so I guess I was a little nervous about that part. I wasn't nervous until Jay asked if I had told my family. Ok. I guess that's so there will be no surprises if I don't wake up. Ummmm, Hello!!  Be Surprised!!!!! Because I'm here to tell you that I'm always planning on waking up! So I made it out of surgery and the test is back and my cancer diagnosis is confirmed. However, we still don't know where it's located so now we go on a search to find where it's hiding. I kinda think this pain in my tummy is a good indication that it's probably in that area. I'll see an Oncologist next week and hopefully they will get on the trail and run this stuff out of my body. This is not the journey that I've dreamed of. I'd much rather take a European cruise or spend a year touring Italy, Greece, Switzerland. But instead I get to fight cancer. I just pray that God will give me the strength to fight and allow me to win. And in the mean time I'm wondering if there are any things that I should do. Like call someone that I made mad at me and apologize. Or go through my closets and donate stuff or give some stuff to people who could use it. Clean up my house so no one can see what a terrible housekeeper I am. You know....put all your things in order just in case.....Well, I don't think I'll do any of those things today. I just want to use this space to tell all of my family and friends in case you don't already know that I love you. And if  my journey in this life ends before I want it to.....then start reading your Bibles and get to know God and follow His lead because I'd love to see you in Heaven one day. And when you think of me just picture me sitting peacefully at Jesus' feet, smiling, happy beyond any happy feeling you've ever had before.  So until next time....warm hugs and happy thoughts and God bless us all!!

Just a few thoughts coming out of my head.....

When I began this blog my intention was to use it mainly to post pictures and maybe just a few thoughts here and there. Well, today I'm using it for thoughts because I have a lot going through my head and this seems like a good place to get it out. Life is about to take me on a new journey; one that I might not like and that I certainly don't feel prepared to take just yet. But life doesn't always give us everything we want, exactly the way we want it. The problem with me is that I like to be in total control and now I've been given something that I wont have total control of and it not only frustrates me but it scares me a little too. Ok, it scares me a lot. Almost two years ago I experienced the death of someone very close to me and I realized then that life is short, we don't get an unlimited amount of time here on this earth and if we waste it then what was the use in being here in the first place. I believe in God and I believe in His Son, Jesus. I believe that God sent Jesus to us because we were on the path to hell and He loved us too much to just let us go. He knew we needed someone, a physical person that we could see and hear, someone who could lead us back to Him. So He sent us Jesus. Jesus spent His life teaching us and trying His best to make us believe. He was mocked, cursed, laughed at, spat at, thrown in jail. He even hung nailed to a cross and died in His efforts to show us that He is God's Son and that if would just listen to Him we could live forever in peace and beauty beyond our imaginations. He even arose from His tomb to prove His divinity. But we are hard headed idiots and even a person come back to life was not enough proof for us. We just go one about our lives doing what we want and not giving the One who created us a second thought, much less the love and respect that He deserves. We don't deserve Him and all that He has to offer us. But He loves us. He created us and we belong to Him. He'll let us go on and destroy ourselves if we insist but He really wants us to just love Him back and want what He is offering to us. Is that such a bad thing? Are we so self centered that we can't give up our lifestyles of sin and follow Him to everlasting paradise? No? Is His kind of paradise not "fun"enough for us? If we have to live by His rules we don't want it? I don't know why He puts up with us in the first place. Why doesn't He just wipe us out and start over? That's what we deserve. Because He loves us. It's just that simple. And after my sister died I finally began to see that. Her death didn't scare me. It just opened my eyes and it opened my heart just enough to let God squeeze in. And when He started letting me know that He was there I could no longer turn my back from Him. He has been putting Himself in front of me ever since and I just want to know more and more about Him. I want that relationship with Him that I've heard others talk about. It has been a process for me and I'm still learning and still getting to know Him but He is in my life now and He always will be. I may not have as much time on this earth as I'd like to have but I promise you, the rest of it will be spent learning and getting to know my God and giving Him the praise and respect that He deserves and in the mean time, I hope that I can make someone else see Him in me. That's my goal. Do you want to know God?  Just ask me and I'll tell you what I know. And what I don't know, I'll find out for you because I don't want to hog Him all up for myself. I want everyone else to have Him too. When I get to Heaven I want to see you there too.